I can’t even begin to believe we’re here. Your first birthday.
There is this giant lump in the back of my throat as I write this. Today, my baby boy, you are ONE! And while we will sing, dance, and high five you all day long, I’m pretty sure there will be plenty of tears on mama’s part (during your naptime, of course). Please don’t misunderstand… I’m so very happy and completely overjoyed that this day is here. I mean, we made it! Hip, hip, hooray!! But a part of me is so very sad because that time, man,… it flies. Yesterday was especially hard for me. It was your last day as my “official” baby (even though, who are we kidding, you’ll always be my babay) and as I put you down in the morning for your nap, we cuddled a little longer. You laid your head down on me and wrapped your legs around my waist and I cried silent tears while remembering it all. There was one particular moment that came rushing back to me. I’m not sure why that memory came to me because I hadn’t thought about it since it happened, but I loved reliving it. You were 3 days old and we were leaving the hospital. I swaddled you tightly in your blanket and the cutest freckled faced volunteer girl came to wheel us out. Your eyes were open and fixed on mine and I felt an overwhelming, powerful realization that you were ours. I remembered feeling this sense of pride, in the best, most unselfish way. A sense of protection, immense love, and crazy emotional connection to you overtook my entire being. That cute freckled faced girl asked if I was scared. I told her I wasn’t. Tiny, perfect you, in my arms… it all just felt completely right and I knew I’d give you everything I had. As we waited for the car, I vowed that I would be the best I could be for you.
Throughout yesterday, Adi and I talked about all the “firsts” of this year. That first moment the doctor placed him in my arms, our first night together as a family of three, the car ride home and how tiny he was, that first terrified bath, all the sleepless nights of rocking him through his colic, that hour in the morning after Adi would leave for work and I’d pull him into bed with me so that we can sleep snuggled up together a little longer, his first time rolling over, the little frown as he discovered the world and his fingers, that smirk he’d give us to let us know a diaper change was coming, his first time sitting up and falling over, his determination in taking that first crawl, the time he learned to give us hugs and kisses, and then, that very first step he took all on his own. All of it, every last bit of it, was perfect. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a single moment.
Emerson Cayden, my happy baby boy, you are the best part of our world. I wish I could capture the joy you bring us (lord knows I try with the thousand and one pictures I take) but I’m pretty sure it’s just not possible to tell someone what only our hearts feel. There is nothing like it and I could have never, not in a million years, imagined it. This love between a child and a parent, it’s really something. I thank God every single day for creating that bond and for giving me the opportunity, the honor, of being your mama. I cannot tell you how much I love you and how lucky I feel that you’re mine. My mini-man, my sweet boy that gives me wet kisses, my independent little baby that walks ahead of me but stops to look back and make sure I’m following, my littlest love that tugs at my heart each and every day when we roll around laughing, thank you. Thank you for being the best experience of my life. We are so excited to see all the beautiful ways God will continue to bless our little family and we pray that we will teach you and guide you and love you just as Jesus taught us to do.
Happy first birthday, Ems. We love you through and through!!